You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
