Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
