Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
