Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
