How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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