turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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