chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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