I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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