i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
