So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
