You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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