I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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