So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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