if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
