Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
