We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
