life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
