That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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