Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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