yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
