you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
