I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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