He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
