I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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