On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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