Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
