Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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