Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize