I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
