I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
