who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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