I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
