i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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