Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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