is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
