we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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