That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
