just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
