Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
