Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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