Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
