Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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