You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
