Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
