Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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