He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Can you bring me the toilet please
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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