Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
