there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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