if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
