Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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