i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
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For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
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Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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