I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
