I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
