i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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