i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
