yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
