he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
